personal
I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.
-William Shakespeare
I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love, to spite a raven’s heart within a dove.
-William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
The last temptation is the greatest treason; To do the right deed for the wrong reason.
-T.S. Eliot, Murder in the Cathedral
Don’t let the troubles in your head steal too much time; you’ll soon be dead.
-Dave Matthews Band, “You Never Know”
The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create.
-Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.
-Chuck Palahniuk
A lie is just a great story that somebody ruined with the truth
-Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
-Ernest Hemingway
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
-Soren Kierkegaard
But it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
-Lester Burnham, American Beauty
It’s not a sacrifice to renounce the unwanted. It is not a sacrifice to give your life for others, if death is your personal desire. To achieve the virtue of sacrifice, you must want to live, you must love it, you must burn with passion for this Earth and for all the splendor it can give you – you must feel the twist of every knife as it slashes your desires away from your reach and drains your love out of your body. It is not mere death that the morality of sacrifice holds out to you as an ideal, but death by slow torture.
-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
The cruelest lies are often told in silence.
-Robert Louis Stevenson, Virginibus Puerisque
Many die too late. Few die too early.
-Nietsche, Live Dangerously
Man is stupid, you know, phenomenally stupid; or rather he is not at all stupid, but he is so ungrateful tht you could not find another like him in all creation.
-Dostoevsky, Notes From the Underground
I mean, walking I get, but power walking? Why not just run for a shorter time?
-Angel, Angel
The misery is how God lets you know you’re on track.
-Michael Kelso, That 70’s Show
I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
-Billy Joel, “Only the Good Die Young”
I’m so overdosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy.
-Less Than Jake, “The Science Of Selling Yourself Short”
I can’t wait ’til we’re teenagers. Then we’ll be happy.
-Milhouse, The Simpsons
Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret.
-Aphra Behn, -The Lover’s Watch
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks of it, but few have seen it.
-La Rochefoucauld
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
-George Bernard Shaw Man and Superman
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.
-Vernon Law
Always forgive your enemies–nothing annoys them so much.
-Oscar Wilde
Sudden and swift and light as that, the ties gave. And he learned of finalities besides the grave.
-Robert Frost, “The Impulse”
Oh the innocent girl in her maiden teens knows perfectly well what everything means.
-D.H. Lawrence, The Jeune Fille
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
-George Burns
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
-Robert Frost
All my life, I had one dream: to achieve all my goals.
-Homer Simpson
It’s quite clear that I’m back in the swing of living, although I might not be on the right track.
-Sublime, “New Realization”
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-road. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-Woody Allen
When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don’t see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy.
-Joseph Heller, Catch-22
Passion governs, and she never gorverns wisely.
-Ben Franklin
What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat too?
-Elaine Benes, Seinfeld
You don’t understand. A garage… I can’t even pull in there. It’s like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?
-George Costanza, Seinfeld
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
-Homer Simpson
Here’s to alcohol, the cause of–and solution to–all life’s problems.
-Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never Try.
-Homer Simpson
I don’t want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
-Alfred Hitchcock
I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again.
-Socrates
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
-Plato
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-George Carlin
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
-Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-Woody Allen
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
-Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
-Woody Allen
I would rather be a failure doing something I love than be a success doing something I hate.
-George Burns
I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.
-Mel Brooks
Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed.
-Mel Brooks
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
-Robert Frost
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
-Mahatma Gandhi
The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.
-Albert Einstein
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-Hubert Humphrey
The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
-Victor Hugo
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.
-Oscar Wilde
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?’ or ‘Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions” and if you got a different “impression” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.”
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here’s a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, “Well, technically that’s illegal.” It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn’t, so what? I hate this stupid party.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Whenever anybody says he’s struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
When you’re ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it’s hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I’ll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you’ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that’s my point.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
There’s enough sorrow in the world, isn’t there, without trying to invent it. /span>
-E.M. Forster, A Room with a View
Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice.
-E.M. Forster, A Room with a View
A wonderful physical tie binds the parents to the children; and — by some sad, strange irony — it does not bind us children to our parents. For if it did, if we could answer their love not with gratitude but with equal love, life would lose much of its pathos and much of its squalor, and we might be wonderfully happy.
-E.M. Forster, A Room with a View
Most of life is so dull that there is nothing to be said about it, and the books and talks that would describe it as interesting are obliged to exaggerate, in the hope of justifying their own existence.
-E.M. Forster, A Passage to India
If God could tell the story of the Universe, the Universe would become fictitious.
-E.M. Forster, Aspects of the Novel
To make us feel small in the right way is a function of art; men can only make us feel small in the wrong way.
-E.M. Forster, Two Cheers for Democracy
Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch, which ought to be applied as sparingly as possible.
-E.M. Forster, What I Believe
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-Robert Frost
Play! Invent the world! Invent reality!
-Vladimir Nabokov, Look at the Harlequins!
The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.
-Vladimir Nabokov, Speak, Memory
I know more than I can express in words, and the little I can express would not have been expressed, had I not known more.
-Vladimir Nabokov
To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.
-Charles Dickens
Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
-Charles Dickens
Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence. There’s no better rule.
-Charles Dickens Great Expectations
The strange thing about life is that though the nature of it must have been apparent to every one for hundreds of years, no one has left any adequate account of it.
-Virginia Woolf, Jacob’s Room
The beauty of the world which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
-Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own
It’s like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if you know it’s not going to make it, you kind of root for it for a second.
-Jerry, Seinfeld
The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!
-George, Seinfeld
I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I’ll always think of him fondly. As an asshole.
-Carrie, Sex and the City
Maybe it’s maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in Hansel and Gretel—she’s very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.
-Miranda, Sex and the City
When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.
-Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Hanging out at a coffee place not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
-Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call “mind over body” You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story.
-Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
-Conan O’Brien
I just wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to have.
-Fannie Flagg, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
-Aristotle
You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
~Dr . Seuss
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-Stephen Wright
The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.
-Oscar Wilde
The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.
-Michelangelo